★Manman, 02'12'93
Eccentric, Burtonized, self-claimed monophobic. Dancer, photographer & Pocky collector.

I'm too tired to type again.
I guess I broke my promise, because I just cried again today. :(

Don't ask me why I cry so easily, okay?
I really don't know.
And don't you dare call me a crybaby. I don't cry when someone hits me and I don't cry when someone scolds me either.
Idk, maybe its because my eyes experience water retention so much that when I feel upset, the water just pours out lmao. I mean, c'mon its because they (my eyes) keep so much water that's why I have these huge "eyebags" below my eyes that make my eyes look smaller, anyway.

Oh, whatever.

Anyway when my dad was scolding and "talking" to me today, all I could think about was life in school and EMMY, seriously. Though I may seem very emo or stone-ish or bored in school, I really enjoy each day away from home. I really am much happier in school, as much as it doesn't seem like it.

I don't enjoy coming home, except to sleep on my comfortable bed and to see my daughter.
That's it.

I just realised that I hardly smile at home.
Is it my fault? I don't think so.


Circumstances makes it SO hard to smile.
Sometimes, the only thing that comes to my mind is to "bite the bullet".
It's something I read online sometime ago.

When you are being wrongly accused, or scolded for something of which is not your fault,
Really, you can't do anything but "bite the bullet", and hold it in.
Just take it like it IS the truth even when something is not.

Just like how someone can start a fire with fuel,
Fuel fuels the fire as well.
It creates a bonfire. (okay lame)
But yeah you get the idea; the fire certainly gets bigger.

It's irritating thinking about it, really.

I have so many friends whom parents I have met, and to tell the truth they ARE very different from my parents. Their parents may nag and seem to scold a lot about the littlest things, but then again I KNOW their parents would never be the kind to scold me like that, like what my parents do.
Nor would they go on about the habits = behaviour = personality rubbish.
Or would they start talking about blaming themselves and expectations and whatever.

All they'd talk about is school, friends and whatever.
They won't really start going on about how "Oh, I blame myself for why you are like this."





Many a times, I get SO SICK staying with my parents.
I know this is harsh and hard to say, but I really can't hold it in anymore.
I've held this thought for way too long.
Sometimes, my mum treats me like her doll. She wants to dress me up, put on make-up and things like that and when I retaliate and say I want to do some stuff myself, she gets angry.
Like, yes, throw-a-fuss-ignores-me-and-refuses-to-talk angry.

And here comes my dad who keeps saying things like Oh you can't do this, you can't do that, your attitude is wrong, your behaviour is bad, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS IT THAT I'VE DONE FOR YOU TO BECOME THIS KIND OF DAUGHTER.

Manipulation, eh?

I'm not a kid anymore. I may still be young, but I certainly have enough brain to know what is wrong and right and what I should do and what I should not. If I have done something wrong, I WILL APOLOGISE without you asking me to. I KNOW when I am wrong.
I don't need people to teach me or lecture me on that.

I need to make this clear.
One reason as to why I DO NOT apologize when people ask me to, on the spot, in front of the person I should be saying sorry to, is because it WILL BE INSINCERE, no matter how "sincere" you really are.
Like, seriously, don't you think the person will be all like, "Oh she's saying sorry just coz XXX asks her to do it." Don't YOU ever think about that?
I prefer to apologize when fires have been extinguished and things have settled down.
I may not do it instantly but I will apologize eventually.

Which is why I don't need people to tell me to do that.


Seeing my friends having so much freedom sometimes makes me feel so jealous.
I want to be free, too.
I am smart enough to know what is right and wrong, and what I should do and not do.
I don't need people to tell me, "Oh this is wrong." or "this is right".
I am at the age where I am old enough to experience things for myself, learn for mistakes, venture new grounds and never forget my roots all the same.


Sure, it may seem like I'm just a robust kid ready to go out there and take on the world,
But I KNOW I am not, and that is what I will NOT do.
All I need, is some bit of freedom to learn from experiences and do things the way I want.

Do you seriously think restricting me all my life is going to help me grow?
I don't think so.
One day, I will flee this country/home and go and stay somewhere on my own.



P.S. I really hate being born into this world.
Yes, I love my life, I love what I'm doing, I love it all, I'm thankful.
But the suffering is too much to bear, and I'd rather not experience this much hate,
even if it means giving up this much joy.

Labels: personal